love

Being…

Authentically you (be warned this is a post you read after coffee).

I usually find it easy to be myself. Until I get sick or trapped in my own self.

Have you ever felt this? Where you are on a roll, and then life happens. Simple allergies that feel like that are overtaking your body like a…(ready a long run-on sentence because my grammar is Bitbantersexy…lol) norovisrus covid PTSD moment coughing frenzy comes and you are now left in bed talking to your friends instead of being with them but you already had plans to go visit some awesome nature park but can’t because your coughing off a storm and its windy and who knows when your body will recover. Yes, this happens to many of us in spring, all because they want to grow, little beautiful flowers. The pollen is in full bloom and then… bam! Achoo!

And the first question that comes out of people’s mind is, she is sick Have COVID? You would think that a few years after such pandemic, we have been able to reduce that question. However, it’s the first questions that comes to our mind. It makes me wonder how people during the depression felt and how long they take those lessons of life with them throughout life. And how drastic those thoughts are to whom the depression did not affect them (The Psychology of Money, gave me that thought). It’s what takes being…to a whole new level. Mind you, we take being to our own level, we raise our own bars (enter a friend telling me “Get a bar.”). We elevate who we are with, who we are talking to, and who we allow to be in our lives. And we allow them to bring us up too (If we let them). So when it comes to being authentic, and then get sick and feel trapped, we must muster through the fields of whatever our minds are going through and unstrap ourselves by allow a little virus we got from a kid who was probably sick and left the virus germ on a door knob that your opened to go an help someone else as your finish your round up (this I statement I started using recently ‘:-) Round up).

Being Sick

It’s funny how our body attack can change our thinking. Weather (storm lol) it be because of how we just feel like MEEEEEHHHH or because we place this idea in our mind that we are trapped and HAVE to stay in bed to recuperate and let this body that has gone through so many wars already go through something like so again. But is it really a war? (Just saying, it’s a cough that made you have bronchio spams… altering your voice so that you have sexy voice…I mean lol).

But regardless of being any type of sick or having a chronic illness, being you at that moment and time is because of something, or it may even help someone else.

Being Authentically You

I’ve learned this the hard way, that being you, with whom you are with will allow anything to happen. I met up with an old friend and I warned her I was not my best, yet even sick, I had the most incredible talk about something and everything. She understood me, in different ways because we just understand each other. The right people come to us when we least expect it. I just spoke to someone today, and he provided the sense of love, calm, and peace I needed to get through a bronchio-spasm asthmatic moment comes in and laughter comes in. I mean it gets better when you allow people whom your instincts tell you are worth being in your life. When you can be yourself with someone and they just smile, laugh, or don’t try to change you…and allow you to be…you. These moments are called elevating human energy. And this is something I’m defiantly interested in.

When you allow people and you come with who you are at that moment. And you allow yourself to be you… so much can happen. Yes, even if you are feeling trapped in your body and feeling sick. Giving positive energy is reciprocated with the people that are meant to be in your life and vice versa. And like with everything, always know your boundaries. You don’t want to get overused either. Everything with good measure.

I’m out to get some rest and sleep to have more of that energy stuff and help humans get to where they want to get to, Healthy too. Make it a great (enter when you are reading this)! (If you want). -Jes

Receiving Constructive Criticism in Relationships

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Many of us may know how to deal out constructive criticism in a loving manner, what about when the roles are switched and you are being criticized? No matter how nicely you are told you are doing something wrong or could do better, it is still a blow to the self-esteem and can be difficult to receive. Here are some tips to soften the blow and continue on the path of improvement:

Use active listening: actually listen to what is being said to you. This is without becoming defensive and plotting a response.
Empathize: Try to put yourself in their shoes as you are hearing what you do wrong. Think about how it would make you feel if you were on the receiving end
Re-frame the criticism: Try to take what is being said to you (especially if not constructively doled out) and reframe it to a more positive perspective. This is a way to lessen the blow yourself. Remind yourself that your partner loves you and this is being said because they don’t want to feel resentment.
Check your own feelings before responding: if you are feeling upset, revisit 1-3, take some deep breaths, some time, or even ask for space to absorb what was said.
Provide your feedback: thank them for trusting you enough to share this! It takes trust and faith that one can accept the criticism and is often just as difficult to deliver it to those we love as it is to receive it. Use your ‘I-statements’ and share how you feel in a thoughtful and constructive manner.

Honestly try: Honestly try to give your partner what was just requested. If you find yourself struggling, share this with your partner and try to work together to find a healthy compromise that will work for the both of you.

http://marriagecounselingblog.com/marriage-counseling/responding-to-criticism-lovingly/

http://www.lifescript.com/well-being/articles/0/7_guidelines_for_accepting_constructive_criticism.aspx

http://www.advance.latech.edu/pdf/Learning_To_Take_Constructive_Criticism_In_Stride.pdf

How to Trust Again

Trust is essential to all healthy relationships. Trust can be difficult to obtain and very quickly broken. As a couple’s counselor I work with couples who want to trust each other. They have so many questions: whether they can trust each other in daily household tasks, whether they can be emotionally vulnerable to each other, whether fidelity is a possibility, etc. Without trust relationships will not flourish to their potential.

Dr. John Gottman, an expert researcher and educator on marriages and families states that “trust is central to what makes human communities work”. Dr. Gottman states that trust is built on what he called “sliding door moments”. These are moments are found every day. For example, you are focused on a particular task i.e. watching a movie and noticed that your partner looks sad. You have two choices: ask what is wrong or watch your movie. To stop and ask what is the matter: that is a moment where you are building trust. It is subtle and quite fleeting but sends the message: “I am paying attention and I am here.”

Graduate student Dan Yoshimoto, who closely works with Dr. Gottman summarized that the basis for trust and therefore rebuilding that trust is found in the acronym ATTUNE. To become attuned means to consciously and intentionally be present. So, I have outline some tips to help you become attuned with in your relationship.

1.Pay attention to your partner’s emotions. If you are unclear ask your partner how they are feeling.

2.Identify how you are feeling. Take ownership of your emotions by using “I statements”.

3.Recognize that there are two points of views: theirs and yours.

4.Never resort to name calling or putdowns.

5.Stay on topic. The present situation does not warrant bringing up unresolved issues.

6.Be empathic to your partner

Trust can be fortified every day and if you are are ATTUNED to one another.

Resources

Gottman, John and Nan Silver. Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books, 2015. Print.

Gottman, John. The Science of Trust. New York: W.W Norton & Company,LLC, 2011. Print.

BOH Blogger: Yaritza

Yaritza Zayas, MS, MFT, LPC

www.thesharecenter.net

Yaritza Zayas, is a Marriage & Family Therapist and a Licensed Professional Counselor . She is co-owner of SHARE Counseling & Therapy Services™, a private practice in Philadelphia, Pa. Yaritza graduated from Temple University with her B.S. in Human Biology and a minor in Anthropology. She earned her Master’s degree in Marriage & Family Therapy from Holy Family University.

You are not alone.

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I came across someone at Starbucks today who looked very sad. They said, I am alone. My response was, well dayum I guess I’m invisible today. I looked around and said, well i must be seeing ghost. In the midst of laughter I heard a cry in her voice. It broke my heart. We spoke about why she came to LA and how she was struggling. A story I hear all the time. Being an LA woman, I hear it all the time. And every time I hear it, it breaks my heart. You choose to come to LA for a dream… and you feel alone.

Nevertheless, I listened. Her tears began to flow, there was nothing she could do, she said. I felt bad. What can I do? My rapid thinking…make her smile, dig up her buried hope and make her believe once again why she was here again.

There are times where you may feel alone. These are reasons why you are not.

You are with you. And in you, the most important is your faith, what ever brought you to where you are at. What triggered you to come to LA? What makes you do these things? And lastly, You have other people around you. Your choice is to make the best of it and befriend them or make an acquaintance.

If YOU CHOOSE to be alone, then its your choice. But regardless… logically you are not alone. You may feel alone, but you are not physically alone. Heck! for all i know Mars have red Martians that become red dust when they see something orbit and they hide… that’s my imagination there… LMAO.

I wish you well in what you do. I hope you know that when you think you are alone, I hope you know there is always someone around you, and strangers ready to make you smile. Not everyone is a stuck up LA person. And when you think you are alone, keep in mind that there is someone like me is thinking of people like you that feel alone.

The best of everything! A Repost From 2014

Hope you enjoy your week.

Jes Sofia Valle 🙂

Beauty is Everything…or is it?

We live in a society in which we are constantly inundated with beauty. Advertisements constantly tell us what we need to buy to be beautiful and accepted. Instagram gurus are now making thousands, if not millions (see: Michelle Phan) for making tutorials on how to conceal that pimple or rock that smokey eye. Don’t get me wrong, I love make up, and I love checking out all the latest hair trends. But where are the ads that are calling us to become the best version of ourselves? Why is society so driven to create images rather than character?
Growing up, my parents, well my grandparents who raised me, did their best. I look back now, and being a mom, I realize they weren’t perfect, but they gave me all that they had. My grandmother, whom I miss dearly, in a misguided effort to keep me focused, used to tell me that I wasn’t pretty, like my best friend…that I had better focus on my grades. In her effort to keep me from being boy crazy and self-obsessed, she did some damage to my self-esteem that she didn’t realize. I literally thought that I was ugly, well into my late 20s.
Now before you start feeling sorry for me, let’s take a look at this in a different perspective. Because I didn’t think that I was beautiful, it allowed me to cultivate and work on other aspects of who I was becoming. I wanted to be considered generous, kind, helpful and supportive. I wanted to be an accountable and trustworthy person. I wanted to be unselfish, thinking about the big picture and needs of the team vs. me.
Realizing that looks aren’t everything allowed me to look for traits and qualities in others that had nothing to do with their looks. I wanted friends and lovers who loved others, who were generous and hard working. It didn’t matter to me what someone looked like, I wanted to understand their heart, their work ethic and their values.
So based on those values, and hard learned lessons, it’s interesting to interact with people today who are literally obsessed with appearance…yet have empty hearts and selfish perspectives towards others. We are constantly fooled and made to feel inferior by others highlight reel via social media.
Beauty is really about how you treat others, how you value yourself, your true self, and what you contribute to the world around you. Beauty is found in serving in a soup kitchen, or holding an open door for someone else. Beauty is on display when we put the needs of others before our own. We are at our most beautiful when we are seeking a life that serves the needs of others. We are beautiful when we are living out the purpose for which we were placed on the earth. We are beautiful when we choose to do what’s right, even when no one is looking. Beauty comes from building character, and working to become the best version of ourselves…a lifelong work.
So while selfies likes, and advertisements seem to dictate what beauty really is made of, remember that true beauty comes from within.

Stay Beautiful,

Brandise

BeautybyBrandise.com

Sexual Abuse: The Fear Was Real

I was about 7-8 Years Old. And I was introduced to a male part. I didn’t love him. I didn’t know him. I didn’t know what was being done to me. But I knew he hurt me. He was a distant relative. My mouth was shut every time he hurt me. He told me I would loose my family if I said anything. I would fear every time and I wanted to tell someone. I told my teacher that I was still sad about my aunts death 5 years later when I cried uncontrollably in class. She gave me a bunny to help me through the pain. Then I dislocated my hip. This was my blessing. He did not touch me after that. He got married then he went to jail.

I never said anything until I told my therapist and they helped me tell my parents. I was 28 years old. My parents provided love and understanding. My parents never knew and they where in disbelief, yet believed all I said. They where there in more ways than one. At our kitchen table one night… When I told them my aweful experience. I felt free to have completed my own Trauma Focus Narrative with my parents. They read it. And we hugged. I reminded them that it wasn’t their fault and they asked questions. My father was filled with anger and my mother cried. Not at me, for me. It was ok to tell my story while he was still alive. I felt free, empowered, filled with freedom and my family was still ok, alive and well. I told my best friends. They where supportive and many didn’t know what to say. But I knew that they were my sisters and they wouldn’t leave me because of it.

I want you to know that you will always have someone that cares. That even if they are not your family, someone will be there for you. I struggle through a lot of fear because of someone else’s choice upon me.

I decided to take control of me, the only person I can control and I made someone out of me. I’ve worked through a lot of pain in my life time, both emotional and physical. And I want you to know that your not alone in this.

If you need someone to listen or help you through the moments where you feel you won’t make it… Call for help.

National Help Line:
Call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or visit the online treatment locators.

You too can overcome sexual abuse, excel in life with love, compassion and style. I learned that I’m not broken. In deed, I learned that I’m fabulous and don’t I know it!

Kindly,

JesSofia Valle
Founder of Bloggers of Health.

Age 33

Latina in HongKong

Some of you may have been following my adventures and know that I met a special person (now boyfriend) “J” who is the best friend of Bryce, whom I met while filming Project Runway All Stars. Well the stars certainly aligned, the timing finally became right for us (both dating other people when we first met), and now we are in this full-blown relationship that has changed my life.

Family Time: How to develop the time with Family

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By Jes Sofia Valle

One of the things that we forget about first (believe it or not) is spending time with your family. We work so hard, so much for them, that we forget to make time to actually appreciate and enjoy the people we work hard for everyday.

So here are some tips to help begin develop your time with your family:

As the PARENT: find out what is the time your children/Family is available and jot it down.
Find out what your family likes to do individually.
Now combine all their likes (including yours) into what I like to call a #SMASHUP . Definition of a SMASHUP: Make time in one month where everyone gets to try something (hopefully not too expensive) that the other person likes to play with… Mancala, Monopoly, Grand Theft Auto, Bicycle riding, movie watching, cooking, playing football, basketball, making sushi classes? The list can be endless… however, that is a great thing.
Set up a time and meeting.
Make rules for this family time:
1. No negativity: So no reprimanding, I wanted to talk to you about your grades… (the rules are most of the time are for you the parent). 🙂
2. Keep it Positive: Example, That’s awesome! NOT: That’s awesome, but you should do this or that… :-/
Make it at least two hours.
Put your Social Media Away. Enjoy the time.
HAVE FUN!