How to Trust Again

 

Trust is essential to all healthy relationships. Trust can be difficult to obtain and very quickly broken. As a couple’s counselor I work with couples who want to trust each other. They have so many questions: whether they can trust each other in daily household tasks, whether they can be emotionally vulnerable to each other, whether fidelity is a possibility, etc. Without trust relationships will not flourish to their potential.

Dr. John Gottman, an expert researcher and educator on marriages and families states that “trust is central to what makes human communities work”. Dr. Gottman states that trust is built on what he called “sliding door moments”. These are moments are found every day. For example, you are focused on a particular task i.e. watching a movie and noticed that your partner looks sad. You have two choices: ask what is wrong or watch your movie. To stop and ask what is the matter: that is a moment where you are building trust. It is subtle and quite fleeting but sends the message: “I am paying attention and I am here.”

Graduate student Dan Yoshimoto, who closely works with Dr. Gottman summarized that the basis for trust and therefore rebuilding that trust is found in the acronym ATTUNE. To become attuned means to consciously and intentionally be present. So, I have outline some tips to help you become attuned with in your relationship.

1.Pay attention to your partner’s emotions. If you are unclear ask your partner how they are feeling.

2.Identify how you are feeling. Take ownership of your emotions by using “I statements”.

3.Recognize that there are two points of views: theirs and yours.

4.Never resort to name calling or putdowns.

5.Stay on topic. The present situation does not warrant bringing up unresolved issues.

6.Be empathic to your partner

Trust can be fortified every day and if you are are ATTUNED to one another.

Resources

Gottman, John and Nan Silver. Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books, 2015. Print.

Gottman, John. The Science of Trust. New York: W.W Norton & Company,LLC, 2011. Print.

 

BOH Blogger: Yaritza

yaritza

Yaritza Zayas, MS, MFT, LPC
Yaritza Zayas, is a Marriage & Family Therapist and a Licensed Professional Counselor .   She is co-owner  of SHARE Counseling & Therapy Services™, a private practice in Philadelphia, Pa.  Yaritza graduated from Temple University with her B.S. in Human Biology and a minor in Anthropology. She earned her Master’s degree in Marriage & Family Therapy from Holy Family University.

Travel can help decrease stress

This past summer I met a nurse from London. No… not like that. He was totally gay! He was amazing in taking care of me… he told me all about London and how I must go one day. And I think there is something to it. To travel abroad, to London. There is something about getting away that helps make everything better. Call me an ambivert. I love to be social but I gain energy being alone instead. I think this is what a lot of people don’t understand about me… I can be both an extrovert and an introvert. It’s a balance I hold near and dear, one I foster in front of the fire place along instead.

Anyways, to travel and relax and get to know new people and explore anew city! Maybe do France instead. Maybe so Spain again. Ever want to do that?

Last Month I did Mammoth Lakes… Amazing! Do you love the snow as much as I do? …. ?⛷I had so much fun! Totally relaxed and chilled! The gorgeousness help too… ?☃️

Send me pictures from your trips! I’ll love to hear your stories and allow them to be memories of your joy in bed and breakfasts … here how to choose to go ahead:

1. Point in a map where you want to go.
2. Do some research what you can do where you want to go. Then, narrow your list to just a few things.
3. Buy your tickets and if your planning for next year… save save save separately for your trip.
4. Find and air bnb or depending on your finding a place to call home base away
5. Tell your family where you will be.
6. Get on the plane or travel machine and go ahead.
7. Enjoy yourself and let yourself be instead.

Enjoy your travel.

Smile (if you want to)
Jes

Ever wonder what life has planned for you today when you wake up as oppose to making plans for yourself today?

Ever wonder what would happen if you decided to allow your day to flow instead of having to manage it or control it if make yourself feel stressed?

I do. I did this morning. I wondered… what if I didn’t do my own schedule, see clients, go to the ? dog store to get food, go to the ?? human store to get food… and go back home to enjoy a relax and enjoy my being at home after a hard day. Then I snapped out of it…

I looked at my schedule and saw I ended to hurry up to head to the gym.

Ever just wonder? I wonder how our Presidents and Queens and Kings do this… I think there is something to not knowing all that is coming to you in the end.

Just wondering… what you think?

Smile (if you want to)

Jes

Life Testing

Everyday I wake up and think… what should I write about today? Should I do research, should I spellcheck… hey, should I find someone to inspire me today…

So I decided to just write from my heart this year. And off we go to our second post instead. That’s whole blogger thing, ya know? 😉

 

You know, going through testing In life has to be one of the most difficult things we go through in life… a test. Not to demise a medical test or any other test…? but a test of life. I’ve noticed, that life tests us often and sometimes we don’t know what to do… and we freak out, we cry instead. ? It’s true!! And there is nothing wrong with it, it’s actually healing to cry at loss, because it’s something that you cared for, or someone that gave you breathe. Nevertheless, testing comes… and something I’ve also realized is that we learned something as young kids from long long ago… we we fall or get tradgically tested, we still can get up. We might get bruised up, we might get a bump on our heads… but yet we continue to strive ahead. As we get older some of us will learn to walk with crutches, with wheelchairs and most of us with our legs… but the point of it all as the we learned early lessons. Early lessons to let us keep going ahead.

I hope this reminder helps you to keep forward, keep moving ahead.

Smile (if you want)
Jes

How are you?

Welcome back!

I’m back! I was on hiatus for a year…yup! Taking care of me! I practice what I preached because I really needed to. Things happen and I learned so much from this year. This year is filled with several themes on our blog. I’ll be writing about most of keeping sane (what is that?!) in our everyday basic (not so basic) lives. Of course with my history and knowledge of being a people-listener-and-helper twist on it. My voice is a lot louder now, so I hope you enjoy our post this year.

Xoxo

Jes

Let’s start with: How are you?

Have you ever asked yourself this question more than once a week? (0/)… wait…. Do you even ask yourself this question?

Don’t feel bad. Not many people do. I’ve learned to ask myself this question because I have to. We tend to forget about ourselves much tooooooo often and the “How are you?” is hardly ever answered. Sometimes we do ask ourselves, “How are you?” but do you even answer it honestly?

Most of the time we leave this answer and never give it the response it deserves… why? “Well…to take care of other important things…”  Ummm hummm I see you shaking your head because you just realized you haven’t asked yourself… lol

Here are five ways to actually answer this question. Ready?

  1. Write down on a post-it or journal “How are you?” then follow it by actually writing it down on paper your answer. This may cause you to realize a lot of crazy in your life. But that’s ok. You are not alone on this term… everyone has something going on in their lives in some way, shape or another. It’s good to realize the bad and the good.
  2. Record “How are you (HAY)?” on your phone and by the end of the week you should have a narrative of how you where during the week. Imagine? Just asking you HAY five times… that’s funny… Actually answering it would be great. No? ….. Yes! 😀
  3. Write down in your “I am grateful box” how you are doing and why you are happy that you are doing how you are doing… say that ten times! XP Sometimes your “How” may be negative and you don’t want to answer it…
    1. Following it up with what you are grateful for (you are breathing, you are alive, you can scream on the top of your lungs that you feel CRAPPY and are having a not so good unhappy moment…. Followed by you are able to do just that O.o) helps you work through the negative feelings and moments for a bit.
    2. Life is not so bad when you realize that you are still breathing. Unless you don’t want to do that… then I will HIGHLY recommend you ask for help and get support. (B. I wasn’t messing around…)
  4. Have a “How you are doing buddy.” Someone that actually asks you “How are you?” every day. Note: This will get old on both ends after one month… so I tried. So try having various people ask. Or just get a therapist you go to once a week to ask you about your week. I’m SURE they will ask and listen to all you have to say! Ha-ha
  5. You don’t have to ask yourself how you are doing every day! This is your life! Empower what you need to and if you need to. You can do it once a week, twice a week or every other week. The point: Is to ask yourself how you are doing!

I hope you are able to check on yourself ever so often. I would recommend you talk to people before you do decide to change something drastic in yourself or life and find a team of friends and people who will support you while you asking “How are you?” Sometimes the outcomes are not what you expect… are they ever? Yes, sometimes they are.

Enjoy asking yourself…. How are you?

 

Smile (if you want),

Jes

 

#Entrepreneurial Life Coaching

I remember this time last year, I was stuck in my corporate job hating the very thing that I loved. Have you ever finally made it to your goal destination and it didn’t feel or look like what you had anticipated? I was finally in my career, but somehow the journey didn’t look the way I thought it was supposed to.

I ended up going out on a 6-week stress leave and that’s when I had to rediscover myself and find out what I truly wanted. I questioned the very thing that I felt like I was built for. I had feelings of guilt for changing directions professionally and I felt like I would be betraying my peers if I did something different. I had a serious conversation with God about the direction I was supposed to go in, because things felt as if they were falling apart.

Thing is, I knew that there was a shift coming and that I’d be out of this draining full time job soon. But I surely didn’t expect it to happen the way it did. Let’s just say that after spending months exploring what I really wanted my business to look like, a repossessed car and struggling to pay rent, I was separated from my job!

I was finally free!!! I had let go of my self-imposed obligations that I HAD to be a therapist, and focused on building my coaching business. I’ve learned so much since my launch and my business has evolved several times over the last 9 months. I set out & conquered the daily mindset shenanigans that come with the entrepreneurial journey. I revamped over and over, until I finally implemented a winning strategy.

Your journey is ever-evolving and you must LET GO OF ANY SELF-IMPOSED OBLIGATIONS. One of the major lessons I have learned is to embrace the journey! Because without all of the failures, disappointments and frustrations, I wouldn’t have been able to develop the greatness that I now hold.

I now see how every set back was a set up for greatness!! I now help entrepreneurs conquer emotional & mental challenges that are affecting the productivity & profitability of their business. But had I not overcome those internal challenges, I would have never manifested the external rewards. So today, I encourage you to embrace the journey, because without the journey, the destination is meaningless.

Candace M. Gray M.S. is a Entrepreneurial Coach. With a background in Mental Health and Social Services, she has learned to take her therapeutic skills and apply them to the entrepreneurial world. Candace now helps other entrepreneurs conquer the emotional & mental challenges that are affecting the productivity and profitability of their business. Candace has inspired countless people to live their lives to their fullest potential, obliterating fears and walking in confidence.

Candace helps entrepreneurs through her Your Abundant Life program where she partners with them for 4 weeks or 3 months to overcome the mindset obstacles that are keeping them stuck. She helps them understand that until they process their internal blocks, they will not see the external manifestations they want. Want a taste test of what it’s like to work with C20160603185248299-1andace? Let her help you find your freedom at: bit.do/freecallwithcandace

You can also find Candace at www.rophehealing.com

 

How Athletes Psych-up for the Games

by Julie Olson, PhD

Growing up in Southern California, I have watched over 12 Olympic Games and I’ve seen terrorism, political upheaval, defections, and amazing spirit. One thing I noticed in the behavior of the athletes is that the difference between earning a medal and not getting past the semi-final qualifications is attitude. At least “attitude” is what I called it before I went to grad school in Psychology. Now, I know it as “self-regulation”, or in lay-man’s terms, the ability to “deal.”

From the beginning of these 2016 Games in Rio, I watched the athletes deal with the highs and lows of the competition. As a psychologist, I think I enjoy the back stories more than the average person watching the games. The “up close and personal” pursuit of being the best and overcoming adversity is my passion in life. For the athletes, passion and dedication to the sport is a must, but it is most important to have the perfect trifecta of mind-body-spirit. When it comes to finally competing in the actual event, an athlete’s ability to regulate their fears, hopes, enthusiasm, confidence, and pain is the gold standard of winning.

Balance is a large part of the mind-body-spirit combination. An athlete needs to balance their breath and their heart beat even if they are scared to death. It would be so easy to stumble or over-arch when we don’t feel centered in our bodies.

My first example is of Katie Ledecky winning in the pool. 5 Medals. She was so excited at one point, she said it was the closest she felt to feeling like she would throw up while swimming. But, she didn’t. She won.

Michael Phelps needed to get into recovery before he could be such a great swimmer and win so many gold medals. He needed to, as they say, “check his ego at the door” and be a team mate. Learn to work well with others and be in his own zone, and not get distracted by his competitors.

Any time an Olympian shatters a world record by such a large margin, questions are inevitably raised. Hungary’s Katinka Hosszu swam the 400-meter individual medley with a world record by more than two seconds. Katinka has been drug tested 9 times in 2016 – most recently on June 21. “Confidence” was the drug that got her to win! Her coach/husband motivated her to be her best.

Take Simone Biles, her ability to balance her body and stick those landings is incredible. Said to be the best gymnast ever by Nadia Comaneci, Nadia herself was the athlete with the first perfect 10 in 1976. She says to USA TODAY, “I did what I used to do every day in the gym. It’s not like overnight I’d done something to surprise myself.” Bela and Marta were her coaches back then in Romania and they were the coaches of the US Women’s Gymnastics teams, helping them win decades of gold.

Márta and Bela Károlyi are Hungarian-Romanian gymnastics coaches and the national team coordinators for Team USA. After defecting to the US in 1981, they coached 9 world champions, sixteen European medalists and many U.S. national champions, including Mary Lou Retton and Kerri Strug. Marta focused on motivation and Bela focused on form.

Simone flies high with grace and takes to the ground like she has glue on her feet. Such precision, poise, and balance. She waivered on the balance beam itself, giving her a silver medal, but all others were gold. Did you know she also has a “mental strength coach”? You’ve probably seen Simone before her performances, placing her right hand on her stomach, closing her eyes, and taking a deep breath. In an interview with ESPN, her mental strength coach, Robert Andrews, said that relaxation techniques are exercises they’d been practicing in his office and he was pleased to see her using them to center herself before her events.

I can hardly think of other sports events where there is so much pressure. But, again, it is a very personal experience. Each sport has its challenges. Few have so many close “ties” by the hundredth of a second. Each athlete has their own story of redemption.

Mo Farah wins the 1000m, even after falling. How did he do it? Great attitude, planning out his strategy, kicking back until it was time to sprint to the front, and taking it. Usain Bolt is the “fastest man alive”, winning gold for 3 games in a row. He does it by using the energy of the crowd.

Many athletes pray before an event and give the glory to God. Their spirit is also calming and motivating. It seems to help a team when they pray together before they play together and against each other.

Visualizing your success is an extremely powerful way to get to the podium. Many of the athletes as children have written stories and drawn pictures of themselves winning in their sports of choice. They use those images, delaying gratification for years with discipline. Eventually grown up, being in the moment they visualized, revving themselves up while calming themselves down with positive affirmations.

There is a time and a place where the “agony of defeat” is expressed in a healthy way. Missy Franklin won gold in swimming in 2012 and this year she couldn’t keep up. She said she tried to stay as positive as possible. Her teammates say they love her spirit. She didn’t want to show her disappointment and bring her team down, so as she said, “she cried about it when she was alone” and to her mom.

It was extremely heart-breaking to watch the French runner Wilhem Belocian, after a split-second mistake took him away from his Olympic goals. After years of training, Belocian had only qualified for the 110m hurdles. Unfortunately, he was unable to contain himself and it caused him to bolt out of the starting blocks just a little too early. Electronically alarmed, the buzzer rang out and his hopes of a medal in Rio were over. You can jump the gun one time now and you are out. No “do-overs.” I felt for him. First in denial or shock, he held his head and then he became very angry, tearing off his official number and turning over hurdles. Eventually crying inconsolably, he gave in to the reality of his dashed dreams. You can’t blame him. Imagine all of the time, energy, and money leading up to the games. It is hoped he has a strong supportive network at home. He needs to be reminded that this same thing happened to Usain Bolt in 2011.

One thing that has always bothered me is how the quest for gold is so intense that getting a Silver or Bronze is “not good enough.” Getting qualified for the games and being an Olympian is great and every athlete could enjoy it to the fullest. But to win, you must have goals and there is nothing wrong with a goal of a gold medal.

There are so many examples of athletes using psychological self-regulation skills that I would be writing a 100 page dissertation.

And it has been scientifically proven. Studies at the University of Calgary, Canada, 2015, have found a correlation between self-regulation and world ranking. Athletes who are better at regulating their body’s response to stress–respiration rate, heart rate, and the activation of their muscles–are likely to perform better than those who struggle. Many elite athletes use biofeedback as part of their training. Then, they learn how to use their thoughts to control their physiological responses.

Self-regulation skills are a must in the games, and also a must in life. The competition of life is not as brutal most of the time, and sometimes the stakes are higher.

Learning self-regulation skills takes a good coach, a good trainer, a good therapist. In therapy, we call this flexing your “mental muscles” and it takes practice. It can ache like when you first go to the gym. Your therapist may give you exercises to help you focus and uncover who you are, which often feels worse before it feels better. Overall, life isn’t always “golden”, but you can get over hurdles by remembering the golden moments of life.

References

Dupee, M., Werthner, P., & Forneris, T. (2015) A Preliminary Study on the Relationship Between Athletes’ Ability to Self-Regulate and World Ranking. Biofeedback: Summer 2015, Vol. 43, No. 2, pp. 57-63.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M%C3%A1rta_K%C3%A1rolyi

http://www.espn.com/espnw/sports/article/17252340/mental-gymnastics-meet-sports-psychology-coach-keeps-simone-biles-laurie-hernandez-sharp

http://www.nbcolympics.com/video/missy-franklin-trying-stay-positive-possible

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/olympics/rio-2016/2016/07/20/10-gymnast-nadia-comaneci-olympics-montreal/87357146/

_____________________________

Julie Olson PhD at oc relationship center

Julie Olson, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Orange County, CA.  She has helped many people get over their challenges and find happiness. She can be reached at julieolsonphd@gmail.com.

Fatherhood – Respecting the Responsibility

Being a dad is the most difficult, mind-racking, exhausting, and frustrating responsibility I’ve ever had. Yet at the same time, fatherhood is definitely the most rewarding, exciting, fulfilling, and unselfish act I have experienced.

I Love it!

Fatherhood has changed dramatically over the years. Where dads, generally speaking, in the past were looked at as incapable of handling a day with the children without mom, today this has changed with full or part-time stay-at-home dads, single dads or active co-caregivers.

Navigating fatherhood can have its challenges. Over the years I’ve learned from my mistakes and my successes. Following are two tips which can help in building and maintaining a strong relationship with your child(ren).
First, don’t panic!
Being a Dad is a 24/7 job, and a life long role. The weight of which is a bit unnerving when you think about it, but its ok.
There is no manual for children, whether born to you, adopted or by marriage. All children are different and they need to be reared based on their individual needs and character.

So don’t panic.
You will make mistakes and they may hurt you and your child, but if you parent to the best of your ability, and love, care, protect, and instruct them for their betterment over the child’s life, the mistakes will be outweighed by care given to them.
Secondly, mistakes will happen; it’s how you respond to them.

We often times want our children to apologize to us for their wrongdoings, but we neglect considering apologizing to them. We as parents are not perfect, even if we think so in our minds.

Side bar…It was long overdue, but I apologized to my daughter when she was a teenager for years of misunderstandings. Best thing I ever did as it opened up healing for both of us, and lead to a stronger relationship today.
Finally, try not to leave a lot of time between mistakes and corrections so whatever negative emotions are smothered before they begin to grow.

We all know it can take years before our children fully understand and appreciate what we attempt to do for their well-being, but I believe how we respond to our mistakes will help them realize much sooner.

In conclusion, always remember to respect the responsibility and enjoy the “gifts” we call our children.

darren

Darren W. Carter is founder of Darrenwcarter.com, a site focusing on Faith, Family, Fatherhood and a lot of Fun!

He is also co-organizer of Cleveland Dads Group, a community of dads in Cleveland, Ohio who are active in their children’s lives and founder of All Geared Up – A Family Bike Event, an event that focuses on family time and healthy lifestyles.

He’s an unconventional dad that shares his life’s journey in hopes that his errors as well as triumphs can be gleaned tidbits, which can help his readers in any way possible.

What is Blogging?

I still get asked what is blogging. I usually say it’s creativity. A place/page/site where you are able to express yourself, your ideas, promote a business, like your journal… pretty much anything you want to make it.Blogging has changed a lot in the past few years. There are rules and consequences, unlike when I started. And things have changed so I say have fun! Do your research and make it fun!

“Blogging
[blawg, blog]
noun
1. a website containing a writer’s or group of writers’ own experiences, observations, opinions,etc., and often having images and links to other websites.

2. a single entry or post on such a website:

She regularly contributes a blog to themagazine’s website.
verb (used without object), blogged,blogging.
3. to maintain or add new entries to a blog.
verb (used with object), blogged, blogging.

4. to express or write about on a blog:

She’s been blogging her illness for almost a year.”
blogging. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved August 15, 2016 from Dictionary.com website http://www.dictionary.com/browse/blogging

Ten Reasons Why You Should Take Your Self Out on a Date

So why am I writing about this on a health post? Well… It’s more of a mental health thing. Making yourself happy is one of the biggest ways to be happy! Here is one of my many anecdotal experience.

Here I go!

1. It makes you aware of what you like to do.

I’m sitting here in between two movies that I really wanted to watch. Star Trek and Jason Bourne, having a grande soy chi latte and listening to “The best is yet to come” by Frank Sinatra at a Starbucks under the theater. And I love my Frankie, coffee and movies! This sitting at Starbucks alone can be it and I’d be happy. A reminder that I love to just chill with no one sometimes.

2. Your mind starts to think about what you would like to do next!

Like tomorrow morning I’m going to go hiking! I probably won’t write about hiking until later but I know I will have a blast!

3. You learn who you can bring into your life, and who you really don’t want to bring into your life.

Have to be picky people, this is after all your life too.

4. You get to spoil yourself a little or a lot when you take yourself out. ?? That’s how a man/woman/partner/alien is supposed to treat you when you are out. The way you treat yourself. And now I know why i’m single, high maintenance… lol jk (maybe).?

5. People watching! I love people watching. You get to watch people with their peoples and smile.

This makes me more aware of people in general. Who, what, where, when and why…and how. It is a good thing to meet new people. Not everyone will hurt you and reject you or make you wish you had not met them. Most people are kind, they do tend to make you laugh and they do things to allow yourself to be happy.

6. You accept yourself in the here and now moment, that… you are alone with no one and you can do anything you want. Or that you choose to sit at Starbucks to write your next post and have a huge smile on your face because that makes you happy…. Oh wait, that’s me! ??
7. You become a little more self assured/ secure that you can take on life on your own if you had to. But that’s why we have friends and people because you don’t need to really.

8. You gain more understanding of what makes you happy, for me it’s all about the little things.

9. You. This date is all about you. As a strong woman in this world… It’s good to know what you can or cannot do. Same for a man. A lot of dudes should really take themselves out on dates too, I hardly hear or see that, and Gym does not count. That’s something normal you already do.  Focusing and enjoying time for yourself is upmost special time. Fav!

10. You get to head to your next movie excited to see one of your favorite franchises. ???? Oh wait, that me again…well I did say this was anecdotal. lol.

Ok. So this is me enjoying my time and giving you some of my me time. Feel special readers! 😀 off to Jason Bourne I go!

Have a great time on your self- dates ya!

Smile (if you want to)

Jes Sofia