Healthy Family

How to Trust Again

Trust is essential to all healthy relationships. Trust can be difficult to obtain and very quickly broken. As a couple’s counselor I work with couples who want to trust each other. They have so many questions: whether they can trust each other in daily household tasks, whether they can be emotionally vulnerable to each other, whether fidelity is a possibility, etc. Without trust relationships will not flourish to their potential.

Dr. John Gottman, an expert researcher and educator on marriages and families states that “trust is central to what makes human communities work”. Dr. Gottman states that trust is built on what he called “sliding door moments”. These are moments are found every day. For example, you are focused on a particular task i.e. watching a movie and noticed that your partner looks sad. You have two choices: ask what is wrong or watch your movie. To stop and ask what is the matter: that is a moment where you are building trust. It is subtle and quite fleeting but sends the message: “I am paying attention and I am here.”

Graduate student Dan Yoshimoto, who closely works with Dr. Gottman summarized that the basis for trust and therefore rebuilding that trust is found in the acronym ATTUNE. To become attuned means to consciously and intentionally be present. So, I have outline some tips to help you become attuned with in your relationship.

1.Pay attention to your partner’s emotions. If you are unclear ask your partner how they are feeling.

2.Identify how you are feeling. Take ownership of your emotions by using “I statements”.

3.Recognize that there are two points of views: theirs and yours.

4.Never resort to name calling or putdowns.

5.Stay on topic. The present situation does not warrant bringing up unresolved issues.

6.Be empathic to your partner

Trust can be fortified every day and if you are are ATTUNED to one another.

Resources

Gottman, John and Nan Silver. Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books, 2015. Print.

Gottman, John. The Science of Trust. New York: W.W Norton & Company,LLC, 2011. Print.

BOH Blogger: Yaritza

Yaritza Zayas, MS, MFT, LPC

www.thesharecenter.net

Yaritza Zayas, is a Marriage & Family Therapist and a Licensed Professional Counselor . She is co-owner of SHARE Counseling & Therapy Services™, a private practice in Philadelphia, Pa. Yaritza graduated from Temple University with her B.S. in Human Biology and a minor in Anthropology. She earned her Master’s degree in Marriage & Family Therapy from Holy Family University.

Criticism in Relationships

Does Criticism belong in a Relationship? When asking this question we should always look at the true definition of the word. In this case the word is ‘criticism’. Criticism as defined by the Oxford Dictionary “The expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes.” This term often elicits feelings of negativity and results in one feeling defensive to the statements made. Other terms that may appear less offensive are; assessment, critique, evaluation, or observation. Truly they all have the same intent, which is to constructively identify areas for improvement.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I have had experience helping families and have done extensive research on the subject of criticism in relationships. One cannot have a truly healthy relationship with another if unable to express areas of improvement. This results in the relationship becoming unbalanced and creates resentment and hostility. No one wants that in their romantic relationship. The romantic relationship is about developing a healthy and balanced partnership in which both parties equally work to develop and strengthen this partnership over time.

Terms such as ‘constructive criticism’ have been developed to help ease the uncomfortable blow of being told that one is not performing to expected or needed standards. One popular technique with giving criticism effectively is often referred to as the ‘sandwich’ or ‘hamburger’ technique. In a nutshell, this is to deliver a strength, problem, and strength. However this requires much more skill and is not that simple. The following is generally a good technique:

Self-evaluation: Check your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Ensure that your intentions are to improve the relationship versus wanting to complain.
Timing: Never do this in the heat of the moment when you are feeling angered by what you are wanting to criticize. This will simply lead to a fight. Timing also needs to be considered for the other person. It is often helpful to ask for a good time to talk. This will help the other person be prepared and more open to listening
Positive Acknowledgement: Start off by acknowledging what your partner does right! If you can identify some things that are even related to what you want to criticize, this will be an added benefit. We all want to know what to do as well as what not to do. Include a significant amount of praise when doing this.
Constructively Criticize: You want to state the criticism with a suggestion. This helps to offer a solution, and most importantly use “I-statements” whenever possible!

“I notice when things have been stressful for you and I need help, the response is often in a harsh tone. This makes me feel upset and avoid asking for help. Please use a calm tone when responding to me or ask me if I can give you time to be in a better space, before you help me.”

This will help the other person to know how it impacts you along with showing understanding and offering an alternative solution.

Positive feedback: remind them what they do right and, if possible, examples that are related of times they did things right. Be sure to thank them for being the partner they are and for listening to you.

Encourage feedback: encourage them to share their feelings and thoughts and listen to and truly consider what they have to say. Make sure you are ready for some constructive criticism yourself.

Recourses:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-healthy/value-of-constructive-criticism.aspx

http://www.families.com/blog/marriage-tips-constructive-criticism

http://www.portofpeacecounseling.com/2013/08/09/8-tips-to-give-your-spouse-constructive-criticism-lovingly/

http://www.unh.edu/hr/sites/unh.edu.hr/files/pdfs/tool-2.pdf

Michelle Natale LMFT

Michelle is a licensed marriage and family therapist who has been working with youth and families for over 17 years.

Michelle graduated from Chapman University with her Masters in Psychology; emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy.

Michelle earned her bachelor’s degree in Psychology from California State University at Northridge.

Mourning

The death of a loved one is one of life’s most stressful events. It can be the catalyst of major emotional crises to those who mourn. Grief is the internal (emotional) reaction to the death of a loved one whereas mourning is the external (behavioral) reaction of this grief. Whether the death was expect or unaccepted, a variety of emotions arise. These include but are not limited to:

Denial
Disbelief
Confusion
Shock
Sadness

Yearning
Anger
Humiliation
Despair
Guilt

Historically, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ 5 Stages of Loss, where readily used to explain grieving; this is no longer practiced to support mourners. There are no strategic stages to grieving. Grief is a journey marked by easier moments and moments of hardship. One never gets over the death of a loved one. We simply learn to live with the loss and learn healthier ways of coping. In essence, creating a new normal.

The intensity and longevity of grieving emotions and mourning behaviors varies; everyone is different in their journey. However, there are strategies a person can use to take care for themselves through the grieving process.

Seek support. Whether is in the form of friends or relatives or professional help. Seek to express what you are feeling and going through at this time.
Take care of your health. The stress the body goes through after the death of a loved one can lead to physical complications. Make sure to care for your physical well being; be sure to eat well and get plenty of rest. Be aware of the danger of developing a dependence on medication or alcohol to deal with your grief.
Avoid making major life decisions. Give yourself time to adjust to the death. Another change can further complicate your emotional health and further your stress level.
Be patient. It can take months or even years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed life.

Remember, with support, patience and effort, you will survive grief. Some day the pain will lessen, leaving you with cherished memories of your loved one.

Resources:

National Alliance for Grieving Children. 2016. Web. 30 Jan 2016.

Gupta, Sanjay. “How Grief Can Make You Sick.” Everydayhealth. Every Day Health Media, LLC. Web. 28 January 2016.

Richardson, Angelle. Personal interview. 29 January 2016

Yaritza Zayas, MS, MFT, LPC

www.thesharecenter.net

Health Insurance Words… What Do They Mean? #ABCenEspanol (English & Spanish)

Every tried to find out what the health companies and insurance companies are talking about when they say ‘certain’ words? Well, there is a site that gives you a glossary of all the medical terminology these companies are using. WHY? because there are people that actually care about what they are putting out there…

http://accessbettercoverage.org/about-access-better-coverage

Here are some words: Glossary

“Combined deductible

A deductible – total amount a patient must pay out of pocket annually before the health plan begins to pay – that includes both medical care and prescription medicines. This amount does not include premiums. For example, if a deductible is $1,000, the health plan won’t pay anything for most health care until a patient pays $1,000 out of pocket.

Copay

A copay is a fixed amount – or flat fee – a patient is responsible for paying with his or her own money (out of pocket) for certain services or medicines. Plans specify what this amount will be for a variety of health-related services, such as a doctor or specialist visit, emergency room visit or prescription medications. Copays are determined by health insurance plans and are often printed on health insurance cards.

Cost sharing

The amount insurance plans require patients to pay out of their own pocket. For example, copays, coinsurance and deductibles.

¿Estás cansado(a) de las compañías de salud y compañías de seguranzas de salud que dicen ciertas palabras pero no te dicen que es lo que te están diciendo? Bueno, hay un sitio que tiene un glosario con todas las palabras que describen las compañías de medicina. ¿Porque? Porque hay compañías que si te quieren ayudar

Aquí mira unas palabras del glosario. http://accessbettercoverage.org/espanol

“Copago

Un copago es un monto fijo – o tarifa fija – que un paciente debe pagar con su propio dinero (fuera de su bolsillo), por ciertos servicios o medicamentos. Los planes especifican cuál será este monto para diversos servicios relacionados a la salud, tales como visitas a un médico o especialista, visita a la sala de emergencias, o medicamentos recetados. Los copagos están establecidos por los planes de seguro de salud y están usualmente escritos en las tarjetas de los seguros de salud.

Coseguro

El coseguro es un porcentaje de los costos que el paciente debe pagar con su propio dinero (fuera de su bolsillo). Los planes especifican cuál será este porcentaje por diversos servicios relacionados con la salud, tales como visitas a un especialista, visita a la sala de emergencias, o medicamentos recetados. Dado que el coseguro es un porcentaje de los costos totales, es difícil estimar y planearlo de antemano.

Costo fuera de su bolsillo

Es un gasto por cuidado médico que un paciente debe pagar con su propio dinero, y no reembolsable por parte del seguro. Los costos fuera de su bolsillo pueden incluir los deducibles, coseguros y copagos por servicios. La Ley de Cuidado de Salud Asequible exige que la mayoría de los planes de salud tenga un máximo anual de costos fuera de bolsillo, para la mayoría de los servicios de cuidado de salud.”

http://accessbettercoverage.org/espanol

This is a paid blog post by the MooreCommunications Group for the AccessbetterHealth.org site.

Family Time: How to develop the time with Family

View image | gettyimages.com

By Jes Sofia Valle

One of the things that we forget about first (believe it or not) is spending time with your family. We work so hard, so much for them, that we forget to make time to actually appreciate and enjoy the people we work hard for everyday.

So here are some tips to help begin develop your time with your family:

As the PARENT: find out what is the time your children/Family is available and jot it down.
Find out what your family likes to do individually.
Now combine all their likes (including yours) into what I like to call a #SMASHUP . Definition of a SMASHUP: Make time in one month where everyone gets to try something (hopefully not too expensive) that the other person likes to play with… Mancala, Monopoly, Grand Theft Auto, Bicycle riding, movie watching, cooking, playing football, basketball, making sushi classes? The list can be endless… however, that is a great thing.
Set up a time and meeting.
Make rules for this family time:
1. No negativity: So no reprimanding, I wanted to talk to you about your grades… (the rules are most of the time are for you the parent). 🙂
2. Keep it Positive: Example, That’s awesome! NOT: That’s awesome, but you should do this or that… :-/
Make it at least two hours.
Put your Social Media Away. Enjoy the time.
HAVE FUN!