self

I’ve been scared of not feeling my legs again since 2007, when I could not feel both legs and I was forced to in bed for a few months; a long time. It was absolutely scary, beyond infinity and beyond scary. This summer, I felt super scared again.

I was siting, being stressed, trying to stay afloat of everything I had to do amidst of going through a lot of other things. I began to fall down. I felt like I wasn’t doing well, my body was aching, my system was crashing and with that came Jes tumbling down. I was following rules. I was doing what I was supposed to do in other areas of my life. I was helping others out, being kind, getting productivity in, working under the pressures of what I had to fix. I was doing all of that except for one MAJOR thing… I was not taking care of me. As a person who was use to going on that morning walk or evening walk I had placed that to the side. I was afraid to challenge other’s and not say anything. I’d placed my health to the side. I wasn’t even going to the gym. At one point I was told to act like I was working during my finals to push through and get it done. And I didn’t want to disappoint and I didn’t want anyone mad. I’d already felt like a failure in more ways than one. I was scared of loosing it all.

I was challenging the wrong things. Others perception of me; what people thought of me. I allowed everything else to take a hold of my time and forgot to take care of me.

Thankfully, I have amazing mentors and they helped me out so much. I tend to choose amazing people in my life. I’m very blessed I have them, I did a good job in picking them for my inner circle, for my life. They defiantly helped me.

So… after loosing most things and I ended up in the hospital. After coming out of the hospital and getting all these things done, I challenged myself. I told myself I would restore and walk again without pain by the end of the summer’s end. I told myself I would take care of everything I had to take care of before I had to go back to saving one life at a time. I challenged myself to be emotionally strong and say what I needed to say before the summer ended. I challenged my health. Everyone around me kept telling me take it slow, one step at a time… and I did.

I started testing my limits, testing my self, one step at a time. When the pain was too much I would stop. My doctors told me, if it hurts don’t do it. And it did hurt and after a few more steps I stopped. Today two months later I’m walking 3.5-4 miles 4-5xs weekly, again. I’m back to where I was. I’m cooking for myself and feeling like myself again. I’m even saying what I felt and feel again. I’m being honest with how I’m feeling. I’m no longer worried if expressing myself is going to cause something else to go wrong. That is no way to live. I’m not letting anyone or anything stop me from taking care of me and voicing myself. I’m recouping slowly everything else I lost, but for now, i’m being strong. Back to who you know me to be. Many didn’t even know all I went through, I guess you will have to buy my book eventually to read about it…

For now, I’m eating all my meals, I’m drinking loads of water and I challenged myself. I’m challenging my health. Everything is one step at a time.

I doing it.

I’m not it alone though, I will tell you that. I don’t do it without supervision or without caution. I have an awesome team to help me with that; mentors, medical teams, friends, parents, family, people around me to be there for me. I learned that lesson a long time ago to keep my circle tight.

I took a Healthy Me Pause (when everything around is crumbling down and all you have to do is take care of you and get strong to keep going on). I had to. It was all too much.

You will see me walking, hiking and baking, and I’m taking care of me. I was reminded “you can’t help the world and people in it if you are not taking care of you.” Its words I preach all the time. And now I’m an example why I preach them… It’s just that simple. God first, You and then all things. Challenge yourself to take care of you first. People will say it’s hard, I won’t lie it has its moments. However, it’s that or not being well at all. You would be amazed at what a walk can do, of how making time for you and your friends can do. Its simple once you make the time for that.

I hope you have a good time with your challenge, whatever it may be.

Smile (if you want),

Jes Sofia Valle

Does Criticism belong in a Relationship? When asking this question we should always look at the true definition of the word. In this case the word is ‘criticism’. Criticism as defined by the Oxford Dictionary “The expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes.” This term often elicits feelings of negativity and results in one feeling defensive to the statements made. Other terms that may appear less offensive are; assessment, critique, evaluation, or observation. Truly they all have the same intent, which is to constructively identify areas for improvement.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I have had experience helping families and have done extensive research on the subject of criticism in relationships. One cannot have a truly healthy relationship with another if unable to express areas of improvement. This results in the relationship becoming unbalanced and creates resentment and hostility. No one wants that in their romantic relationship. The romantic relationship is about developing a healthy and balanced partnership in which both parties equally work to develop and strengthen this partnership over time.

Terms such as ‘constructive criticism’ have been developed to help ease the uncomfortable blow of being told that one is not performing to expected or needed standards. One popular technique with giving criticism effectively is often referred to as the ‘sandwich’ or ‘hamburger’ technique. In a nutshell, this is to deliver a strength, problem, and strength. However this requires much more skill and is not that simple. The following is generally a good technique:

Self-evaluation: Check your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Ensure that your intentions are to improve the relationship versus wanting to complain.
Timing: Never do this in the heat of the moment when you are feeling angered by what you are wanting to criticize. This will simply lead to a fight. Timing also needs to be considered for the other person. It is often helpful to ask for a good time to talk. This will help the other person be prepared and more open to listening
Positive Acknowledgement: Start off by acknowledging what your partner does right! If you can identify some things that are even related to what you want to criticize, this will be an added benefit. We all want to know what to do as well as what not to do. Include a significant amount of praise when doing this.
Constructively Criticize: You want to state the criticism with a suggestion. This helps to offer a solution, and most importantly use “I-statements” whenever possible!

“I notice when things have been stressful for you and I need help, the response is often in a harsh tone. This makes me feel upset and avoid asking for help. Please use a calm tone when responding to me or ask me if I can give you time to be in a better space, before you help me.”

This will help the other person to know how it impacts you along with showing understanding and offering an alternative solution.

Positive feedback: remind them what they do right and, if possible, examples that are related of times they did things right. Be sure to thank them for being the partner they are and for listening to you.

Encourage feedback: encourage them to share their feelings and thoughts and listen to and truly consider what they have to say. Make sure you are ready for some constructive criticism yourself.

Recourses:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-healthy/value-of-constructive-criticism.aspx

http://www.families.com/blog/marriage-tips-constructive-criticism

http://www.portofpeacecounseling.com/2013/08/09/8-tips-to-give-your-spouse-constructive-criticism-lovingly/

http://www.unh.edu/hr/sites/unh.edu.hr/files/pdfs/tool-2.pdf

Michelle Natale LMFT

Michelle is a licensed marriage and family therapist who has been working with youth and families for over 17 years.

Michelle graduated from Chapman University with her Masters in Psychology; emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy.

Michelle earned her bachelor’s degree in Psychology from California State University at Northridge.

Tag: self

Challenging your Health

Criticism in Relationships