Tag: Life tips

Life Testing

Everyday I wake up and think… what should I write about today? Should I do research, should I spellcheck… hey, should I find someone to inspire me today…

So I decided to just write from my heart this year. And off we go to our second post instead. That’s whole blogger thing, ya know? 😉

 

You know, going through testing In life has to be one of the most difficult things we go through in life… a test. Not to demise a medical test or any other test…? but a test of life. I’ve noticed, that life tests us often and sometimes we don’t know what to do… and we freak out, we cry instead. ? It’s true!! And there is nothing wrong with it, it’s actually healing to cry at loss, because it’s something that you cared for, or someone that gave you breathe. Nevertheless, testing comes… and something I’ve also realized is that we learned something as young kids from long long ago… we we fall or get tradgically tested, we still can get up. We might get bruised up, we might get a bump on our heads… but yet we continue to strive ahead. As we get older some of us will learn to walk with crutches, with wheelchairs and most of us with our legs… but the point of it all as the we learned early lessons. Early lessons to let us keep going ahead.

I hope this reminder helps you to keep forward, keep moving ahead.

Smile (if you want)
Jes

Criticism in Relationships

Does Criticism belong in a Relationship?  When asking this question we should always look at the true definition of the word. In this case the word is ‘criticism’. Criticism as defined by the Oxford Dictionary “The expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes.” This term often elicits feelings of negativity and results in one feeling defensive to the statements made. Other terms that may appear less offensive are; assessment, critique, evaluation, or observation. Truly they all have the same intent, which is to constructively identify areas for improvement.

    As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I have had experience helping families and have done extensive research on the subject of criticism in relationships. One cannot have a truly healthy relationship with another if unable to express areas of improvement. This results in the relationship becoming unbalanced and creates resentment and hostility. No one wants that in their romantic relationship. The romantic relationship is about developing a healthy and balanced partnership in which both parties equally work to develop and strengthen this partnership over time.

    Terms such as ‘constructive criticism’ have been developed to help ease the uncomfortable blow of being told that one is not performing to expected or needed standards. One popular technique with giving criticism effectively is often referred to as the ‘sandwich’ or ‘hamburger’ technique. In a nutshell, this is to deliver a strength, problem, and strength. However this requires much more skill and is not that simple. The following is generally a good technique:

  • Self-evaluation: Check your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Ensure that your intentions are to improve the relationship versus wanting to complain.
  • Timing: Never do this in the heat of the moment when you are feeling angered by what you are wanting to criticize. This will simply lead to a fight. Timing also needs to be considered for the other person. It is often helpful to ask for a good time to talk. This will help the other person be prepared and more open to listening
  • Positive Acknowledgement: Start off by acknowledging what your partner does right! If you can identify some things that are even related to what you want to criticize, this will be an added benefit. We all want to know what to do as well as what not to do. Include a significant amount of praise when doing this.
  • Constructively Criticize:  You want to state the criticism with a suggestion. This helps to offer a solution, and most importantly use “I-statements” whenever possible!

“I notice when things have been stressful for you and I need help, the response is often in a harsh tone. This makes me feel upset and avoid asking for help.  Please use a calm tone when responding to me or ask me if I can give you time to be in a better space, before you help me.”

This will help the other person to know how it impacts you along with showing understanding and offering an alternative solution.

  • Positive feedback: remind them what they do right and, if possible, examples that are related of times they did things right. Be sure to thank them for being the partner they are and for listening to you.
  • Encourage feedback: encourage them to share their feelings and thoughts and listen to and truly consider what they have to say. Make sure you are ready for some constructive criticism yourself.

 

Recourses:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-healthy/value-of-constructive-criticism.aspx

http://www.families.com/blog/marriage-tips-constructive-criticism

http://www.portofpeacecounseling.com/2013/08/09/8-tips-to-give-your-spouse-constructive-criticism-lovingly/

http://www.unh.edu/hr/sites/unh.edu.hr/files/pdfs/tool-2.pdf

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Michelle Natale LMFT

Michelle is a licensed marriage and family therapist who has been working with youth and families for over 17 years.

Michelle graduated from Chapman University with her Masters in Psychology; emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy.

Michelle earned her bachelor’s degree in Psychology from California State University at Northridge.

When You Hit Your Low

In life we ALL go through the lows…

Sometimes is just plain luck, or sometimes its the wrong choices.
Regardless of what happened…know that when you’ve hit bottom, all you can do is go up.

Here are some beginner steps to help you through your getting up moments.

1. Phone a friend or relative you know. Someone that had had empathy and compassion towards you for most or all of your life. WHY? because a person who is able to give you empathy and compassion will be able to guide you towards where you can begin to grow and get up. Now warning, not everyone you reach out for will be there for you. AND THAT IS OK. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to, some people just can’t at that moment.

2. Make a plan of where you what you want to do next week. Yes, next week. Not next month, but next week.

3. Go through your records and make sure you are stable. If you are not, make a plan to get stable.

4. Pray. Or meditate. Or do what you do to relax, and give you strength.

5. Call up a friend who will talk to you and understand your dilemma.

6. Take a shower, get ready and go for a brisk walk.

7. Eat food.

8. Take a nap. then get up and do things that will get you physically moving.

9. Have a partner? Have sex! Having sex, making love protected please because you don’t want to bring a kid into this worlds with all your issues.

10. Know and trust that you will be ok.

Hope this gives you some hope. You are not the only one that goes through the lows. EVERYONE goes through the lows. Some don’t show it online, and some people only put happy online. But rest assure that you are not the only one who goes through the lows.

Hope this helped!

 

If you are in crisis and you want to do harm to yourself, please call 911. Or call the National Helpline:

What is SAMHSA’s National Helpline?

SAMHSA’s National Helpline (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service) is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental health and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations. Callers can also order free publications and other information.

Call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or visit the online treatment locators.