Relationships

Being…

Authentically you (be warned this is a post you read after coffee).

I usually find it easy to be myself. Until I get sick or trapped in my own self.

Have you ever felt this? Where you are on a roll, and then life happens. Simple allergies that feel like that are overtaking your body like a…(ready a long run-on sentence because my grammar is Bitbantersexy…lol) norovisrus covid PTSD moment coughing frenzy comes and you are now left in bed talking to your friends instead of being with them but you already had plans to go visit some awesome nature park but can’t because your coughing off a storm and its windy and who knows when your body will recover. Yes, this happens to many of us in spring, all because they want to grow, little beautiful flowers. The pollen is in full bloom and then… bam! Achoo!

And the first question that comes out of people’s mind is, she is sick Have COVID? You would think that a few years after such pandemic, we have been able to reduce that question. However, it’s the first questions that comes to our mind. It makes me wonder how people during the depression felt and how long they take those lessons of life with them throughout life. And how drastic those thoughts are to whom the depression did not affect them (The Psychology of Money, gave me that thought). It’s what takes being…to a whole new level. Mind you, we take being to our own level, we raise our own bars (enter a friend telling me “Get a bar.”). We elevate who we are with, who we are talking to, and who we allow to be in our lives. And we allow them to bring us up too (If we let them). So when it comes to being authentic, and then get sick and feel trapped, we must muster through the fields of whatever our minds are going through and unstrap ourselves by allow a little virus we got from a kid who was probably sick and left the virus germ on a door knob that your opened to go an help someone else as your finish your round up (this I statement I started using recently ‘:-) Round up).

Being Sick

It’s funny how our body attack can change our thinking. Weather (storm lol) it be because of how we just feel like MEEEEEHHHH or because we place this idea in our mind that we are trapped and HAVE to stay in bed to recuperate and let this body that has gone through so many wars already go through something like so again. But is it really a war? (Just saying, it’s a cough that made you have bronchio spams… altering your voice so that you have sexy voice…I mean lol).

But regardless of being any type of sick or having a chronic illness, being you at that moment and time is because of something, or it may even help someone else.

Being Authentically You

I’ve learned this the hard way, that being you, with whom you are with will allow anything to happen. I met up with an old friend and I warned her I was not my best, yet even sick, I had the most incredible talk about something and everything. She understood me, in different ways because we just understand each other. The right people come to us when we least expect it. I just spoke to someone today, and he provided the sense of love, calm, and peace I needed to get through a bronchio-spasm asthmatic moment comes in and laughter comes in. I mean it gets better when you allow people whom your instincts tell you are worth being in your life. When you can be yourself with someone and they just smile, laugh, or don’t try to change you…and allow you to be…you. These moments are called elevating human energy. And this is something I’m defiantly interested in.

When you allow people and you come with who you are at that moment. And you allow yourself to be you… so much can happen. Yes, even if you are feeling trapped in your body and feeling sick. Giving positive energy is reciprocated with the people that are meant to be in your life and vice versa. And like with everything, always know your boundaries. You don’t want to get overused either. Everything with good measure.

I’m out to get some rest and sleep to have more of that energy stuff and help humans get to where they want to get to, Healthy too. Make it a great (enter when you are reading this)! (If you want). -Jes

Why a Pet?

Most people have a pet. Whether it be a Dog, cat, birth, iguana… you name it. We have them. And they make us happy, frustrated, annoyed, excited… they make us feel. They come with responsibility and remind us to be accountable for ourselves.

At least that’s what I’ve learned with having Max from his 4th day of life. I actually took Max to the doctor early on to the vet because he came from a scary mom that was doing her nature thing in eating her babies for some reason or another. So the neighbor rescued whoever he could, and I could only save one of the two because I wasn’t that kind of doctor! Back to taking him to the doctor, he said he was too little and would not survive the slash on his head and eyelid made by his biological mother. Welp, I used the the skills I learned at UCLA rotations in high school, and did butterfly stitches to close his wounds and did lots of research on how to feed him. I also called brewery farms to find out why he wasn’t pooping, and they told me how to do enemas on one week old puppies. I didn’t sleep for many days because I was up every two hours feeding him. I mean, if anything, i’m glad we were confined to indoors back then during them covid days, year ago (last year). Because Lord knows I was not sleeping, and i begged my mom to take puppy for a few hours while I slept. And as he healed, I took pictures, it was him and I and my family. Everyone loved him. He was a lot of work. And I read all sorts of dog blog post, called vets, asked questions and lord oh lord did i ask questions. I got him Pet insurance, and i went back to work because i had to feed this new pup and get him doggy insurance. I don’t regret working and listen to people while they were horrified of what was going on due to covid. Even though i had my own fears because i’m immune compromised. But i had a new mouth to feed. He was something else. brough lots of joy just being around him. He still does, even though he’s much faster than I am now a days. I cannot run with him because i can’t physically run, but i do go on strolls with him. I’m teaching him how to go the the same treadmills and I walk on (separately of course), and I’m very happy to come home and have someone to feed. He brings lots of joy. I mean, this morning, he was on the side of my bed waiting for me to get up so we can go out for a play outside, and for food (that he chose not to eat) because the chicken wasn’t done for me to add to his meal. (just like a child). But he doesn’t speak, and figuing him out has been awesome. I tell him to show me what he wants and he takes me to where and why. When he’s mad at me, i know because he will go to the bathroom trash can and throw it on the floor in front of the main door. When i’m looking for something and I can’t find it, he usually places it in front of the door when i’m home so i can look for it. so it can be a blessing because he’s mad and will act like a teenager, or a blessing because he found what i’m looking for. He is highly intelligent. I mean what german shepard and husky isn’t? Anywho, this is a little note to remind people that Dog are not just pets, they can be so much more if you let them. Buddy, my last dog who passed away a year ago (after living 24.5 years), got the opportunity to teach him all his training on how to let me know when my sugar was low. Buddy use to bring me a toy bread when i was starting to get low. Now Max brings me a specific snoopy when i’m going low. Go figure. I’m happy Buddy was able to teach him, and Max is always sniffing my inner elbow (what is that called again?) to make sure i’m ok. There is a lot that that comes with taking care of others, especially when a pet takes care of you back. So if you are thinking of a pet, make sure you are ready for one, financially, and emotionally. The more you love them, the more they protect you. Ok, i’m just writing to write because i’ve not written in a very long time, of which you will read of eventually.

So why a PET?

They are an amazing form of unconditional love, that make you grow into a more awesome human because you have to keep it alive and they bring lots of joy to your life. If you are willing to work for one that is…

Have a good week. Make it all the best this week, for you and if you have a pet, for your pet too.

xoxo Jes Sofia V.

https://www.instagram.com/maxvpuppy

Receiving Constructive Criticism in Relationships

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Many of us may know how to deal out constructive criticism in a loving manner, what about when the roles are switched and you are being criticized? No matter how nicely you are told you are doing something wrong or could do better, it is still a blow to the self-esteem and can be difficult to receive. Here are some tips to soften the blow and continue on the path of improvement:

Use active listening: actually listen to what is being said to you. This is without becoming defensive and plotting a response.
Empathize: Try to put yourself in their shoes as you are hearing what you do wrong. Think about how it would make you feel if you were on the receiving end
Re-frame the criticism: Try to take what is being said to you (especially if not constructively doled out) and reframe it to a more positive perspective. This is a way to lessen the blow yourself. Remind yourself that your partner loves you and this is being said because they don’t want to feel resentment.
Check your own feelings before responding: if you are feeling upset, revisit 1-3, take some deep breaths, some time, or even ask for space to absorb what was said.
Provide your feedback: thank them for trusting you enough to share this! It takes trust and faith that one can accept the criticism and is often just as difficult to deliver it to those we love as it is to receive it. Use your ‘I-statements’ and share how you feel in a thoughtful and constructive manner.

Honestly try: Honestly try to give your partner what was just requested. If you find yourself struggling, share this with your partner and try to work together to find a healthy compromise that will work for the both of you.

http://marriagecounselingblog.com/marriage-counseling/responding-to-criticism-lovingly/

http://www.lifescript.com/well-being/articles/0/7_guidelines_for_accepting_constructive_criticism.aspx

http://www.advance.latech.edu/pdf/Learning_To_Take_Constructive_Criticism_In_Stride.pdf

Life Testing

Everyday I wake up and think… what should I write about today? Should I do research, should I spellcheck… hey, should I find someone to inspire me today…

So I decided to just write from my heart this year. And off we go to our second post instead. That’s whole blogger thing, ya know? 😉

You know, going through testing In life has to be one of the most difficult things we go through in life… a test. Not to demise a medical test or any other test…? but a test of life. I’ve noticed, that life tests us often and sometimes we don’t know what to do… and we freak out, we cry instead. ? It’s true!! And there is nothing wrong with it, it’s actually healing to cry at loss, because it’s something that you cared for, or someone that gave you breathe. Nevertheless, testing comes… and something I’ve also realized is that we learned something as young kids from long long ago… we we fall or get tradgically tested, we still can get up. We might get bruised up, we might get a bump on our heads… but yet we continue to strive ahead. As we get older some of us will learn to walk with crutches, with wheelchairs and most of us with our legs… but the point of it all as the we learned early lessons. Early lessons to let us keep going ahead.

I hope this reminder helps you to keep forward, keep moving ahead.

Smile (if you want)
Jes

Criticism in Relationships

Does Criticism belong in a Relationship? When asking this question we should always look at the true definition of the word. In this case the word is ‘criticism’. Criticism as defined by the Oxford Dictionary “The expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes.” This term often elicits feelings of negativity and results in one feeling defensive to the statements made. Other terms that may appear less offensive are; assessment, critique, evaluation, or observation. Truly they all have the same intent, which is to constructively identify areas for improvement.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I have had experience helping families and have done extensive research on the subject of criticism in relationships. One cannot have a truly healthy relationship with another if unable to express areas of improvement. This results in the relationship becoming unbalanced and creates resentment and hostility. No one wants that in their romantic relationship. The romantic relationship is about developing a healthy and balanced partnership in which both parties equally work to develop and strengthen this partnership over time.

Terms such as ‘constructive criticism’ have been developed to help ease the uncomfortable blow of being told that one is not performing to expected or needed standards. One popular technique with giving criticism effectively is often referred to as the ‘sandwich’ or ‘hamburger’ technique. In a nutshell, this is to deliver a strength, problem, and strength. However this requires much more skill and is not that simple. The following is generally a good technique:

Self-evaluation: Check your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Ensure that your intentions are to improve the relationship versus wanting to complain.
Timing: Never do this in the heat of the moment when you are feeling angered by what you are wanting to criticize. This will simply lead to a fight. Timing also needs to be considered for the other person. It is often helpful to ask for a good time to talk. This will help the other person be prepared and more open to listening
Positive Acknowledgement: Start off by acknowledging what your partner does right! If you can identify some things that are even related to what you want to criticize, this will be an added benefit. We all want to know what to do as well as what not to do. Include a significant amount of praise when doing this.
Constructively Criticize: You want to state the criticism with a suggestion. This helps to offer a solution, and most importantly use “I-statements” whenever possible!

“I notice when things have been stressful for you and I need help, the response is often in a harsh tone. This makes me feel upset and avoid asking for help. Please use a calm tone when responding to me or ask me if I can give you time to be in a better space, before you help me.”

This will help the other person to know how it impacts you along with showing understanding and offering an alternative solution.

Positive feedback: remind them what they do right and, if possible, examples that are related of times they did things right. Be sure to thank them for being the partner they are and for listening to you.

Encourage feedback: encourage them to share their feelings and thoughts and listen to and truly consider what they have to say. Make sure you are ready for some constructive criticism yourself.

Recourses:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-healthy/value-of-constructive-criticism.aspx

http://www.families.com/blog/marriage-tips-constructive-criticism

http://www.portofpeacecounseling.com/2013/08/09/8-tips-to-give-your-spouse-constructive-criticism-lovingly/

http://www.unh.edu/hr/sites/unh.edu.hr/files/pdfs/tool-2.pdf

Michelle Natale LMFT

Michelle is a licensed marriage and family therapist who has been working with youth and families for over 17 years.

Michelle graduated from Chapman University with her Masters in Psychology; emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy.

Michelle earned her bachelor’s degree in Psychology from California State University at Northridge.